3 Minute Climaxes - Jungle Bells & Jingle Bulls

I have great difficulty with Christmas music. (Does it sound like my palaver is going to be dull? So skip to the end of the post and just listen to my 2 pieces of music, already, why don't ya?)

My seasonal music problem dates to my minority Jewish childhood in 1950's Iowa - when I was expected by my parents not to sing carols in public school along with my majority Christian classmates. Although I was expected by my teachers to stand there not making a fuss, preferably mouthing the words, holding a flashlight covered with red or green cellophane; a branch of a Christmas tree made entirely of children.

Our family tried to make Christmas as normal a non-holi-day as possible. It was not very possible.


My difficulties are compounded as an adult and a musician because some Christmas music is quite beautiful. Other Christmas tunes stick in your brain. These are insidious ear worms . This is a malady to which musicians are more prone than normal people. A few Christmas tunes are both beautiful and earworms - very dangerous!!

And of course some pieces have religious content - like proclaiming "Remember Christ, our Saviour, was born on Christmas day," which is not a thought I want to have. So I seriously berate myself over just humming the tune to myself.

Yes, I do have massive difficulties with religion. Any religion. Avoiding Christian music in the U.S., where 17 out of 20 people are Christian, is nearly impossible at this time of year. I know what you're saying "Just lighten up and deal with it". And I say you could have skipped ahead to the music.

I was amused to read this article (at an English website The Register) about an effort to protect shop workers from the dangers of repetitive Christmas music listening. I'm still not quite sure it's not a hoax because this could simply never happen in the U.S. Here's the first two paragraphs:

Christmas music in shops is "torture", the "forgotten pollutant" which shop workers must be able to silence for the sake of their sanity, according to activists, trade unions and a peer. The government is being asked to investigate the problem.

Campaigners and trades unions have spoken out about the playing of Christmas music in shops over an ever-extending festive period and the psychological effects that the repetitive tunes can have on staff who have no choice but to listen to it.

Last year I mixed-metered about Christmas music several times both in words and music, including a 30 Second Spot that's still available for listening: And Pretend That It's A Circus Clown. That has a companion spot Until the Alligators Knock Him Down.


This year I decided to pick a familiar Christmas earworm and use it as the basis for an entire 3 Minute Climax. I called it Jungle Bells. When I finished I still had ideas so I wrote a second piece on the same tune - and called that Jingle Bulls. But I'm not going to tell you what the tune is.

My intent was to take something lovable, familiar and pleasant and make ugly new music out of it. When Leslie heard Jingle Bulls she said "That's delightful." - so apparently, once again, I'm a failure as a composer. Next year, after I'm assaulted by Christmas muzak yet again, I'll certainly want to try another assault on Christmas music. Check back then for Jangle Bells and Jingle Balls.

click here to hear Jungle Bells

Jungle Bells: Copyright (c) 2006 by David Ocker - 3 minutes, 29 seconds

click here to hear Jingle Bulls

Jingle Bulls: Copyright (c) 2006 by David Ocker - 3 minutes, 51 seconds

Hannukah (or Hanukah, or Hanukkah or Chanukah) is not really the Jewish Christmas - but it serves as an excellent assimilationist foil during the "holiday season". (I heard someone at the supermarket this year call Thanksgiving & Christmas the "High Holidays".)

Apparently purveyors of foodstuffs think Jews celebrate every holiday by eating matzoh. This picture was taken last week at Bristol Farms in South Pasadena.




Explanation of 30 second spots


Earworm Tags: Christmas music. . . holiday music. . . Christmas carols. . . Christmas torture. . . Iowa. . . Bristol Farms. . . matzo. . . South Pasadena. . . Hanukkah. . . Chanukah. . . David Ocker. . . 3 Minute Climax. . . 30 Second Spots. . .Mixed Meters

Who's Saluting What?

This is like a quiz. Answers below.

1) What was this native of Austria doing in this photo?


2) What were these men of god doing in Berlin in August 1933?




3) What explanation was given for what these imaginary men are doing in this illustration from a recent article about a new German toy?



4) What is this child dressed as Hitler doing during this man on the street interview?

Answers:
1) Showing off his muscle development.
2) Giving the Nazi salute.
3) Pointing at the sky.
4) Asking for a high five.

The priests-at-a-Catholic-youth-rally picture came from here.

Here's a story in English about the saluting Santas.
Another in German.

The toymaker behind the Nazi Santas is unimpressed with the unwanted attention their product is receiving. "We are surprised that a Santa pointing skyward has been associated with the Hitler salute," he told Bild.

Here's a fascinating article at WFMU's Beware the Blog on the subject of Christmas under the Nazis.

The Child-Hitler-interviewing-people-on-the-street picture comes from this disturbing video.


Tag Salutes: Nazi Salutes. . . Catholic Priests. . . Santa Claus. . . Germany. . . Christmas. . . Schwarzenegger. . . Adolf Hitler. . . Beat Kids

Stalking the Christmas Penguin

Here's a short joke. It's funny because it's based in truth and funnier if you don't believe in deities.

God created war to teach geography to Americans.

Thanks to George II and his cronies, the highest percentage of U.S. citizens in history can find Fallujah on a map. (Still hardly any, however. ) Another bit of good news - kangaroos have finally been captured in Austria! (Click here.)

Last year I noticed for the first time that penguins have become Christmas critters - taking an entry level position in the holiday animal pantheon along with reindeer, polar bears and snowmen.

Hey they're cute, they dress formally and they're movie stars. And it's easy to imagine they would make cuddly pets.

But clearly the penguin's secret weapon is that they evoke cold. Penguin equals wind, snow, shivering. Wind, snow, and shivering equal North Pole. North Pole equals Christmas. Therefore Penguins Equal Christmas.

But there's one problem.:PENGUINS DO NOT COME FROM THE NORTH POLE!! (Um, they come from the South Pole - about as far away from Santa Claus' secret lair as anyone without a spacecraft can get. But you knew that.)


Here are some pictures I've taken of our penguinish friends in a reversed hemispherical context. The first two are from an inflatable yard display - one penguin emerging from his igloo and the other with a sign directing us northward. The second shows polar bear and penguin in matching snowflake caps - maybe they're a couple.




The next picture is from an advertisement for Coca-Cola. The Cokers have often used polar bears to associate cold freshness with their own brand of sugary poison. In this ad (snapped from a movie theater screen) polars meet penguins and sugar water cuts through the ice.


Finally, here's my wife Leslie posing (in coordinating colors) before a panoramic picture of our seasonal animal friends - yes, penguins and polar bears and even a walrus - together.


This is a take-your-own-Christmas-card-photo display. The scandal of this picture is that it promotes the Los Angeles Zoo - where someone should realize that we Americans will start to believe penguins and polar bears live together in the wild once we've see enough mass produced pictures of them together. And when Americans really fervently believe something is true, bad things can happen. Just ask the polar bears in Fallujah.

Maybe I missed seeing the little sign (suitable for reading to young children) which explained where penguins really come from. (No, the stork doesn't bring them.) It wouldn't even have had to use the term "Bio-Geography" - which Leslie says is the name of the study of where animals live.



If you missed it in the theaters last year - here's a short animated feature about how a squad of military penguins in New York City save Christmas for a sad polar bear.



Oh - here's a fascinating story about the chemical reactions inside your body after you drink a Coca Cola. - or any soda. But I don't feel bad about blaming Coke for the sins of all soft drinks.



Biogeography Tags: penguins. . . Christmas Penguins. . . polar bears. . . Coca Cola. . . Christmas. . . L. A. Zoo. . . North Pole. . . South Pole. . . Fallujah. . . Austrian kangaroos. . . biogeography. . . Leslie Harris. . . urban legend